My father once asked the question, “Do you raise your children equally?” Almost universally, the parental response has always been yes! Millions of parents in our country work hard to be impartial. They don’t want to be perceived by their children as having chosen favorites. This sense of equality and judgment spans the length and breadth of human existence. The response to the question however, is a little more complicated, and it too has consequences and ramifications that span the length and breadth of human existence. My father‘s response to the question, I find to be very thoughtful and extremely helpful. He said, “We don’t love our children equally, we love them adequately, some children need more attention than others, some children are self-starters, while others need to be encouraged and propelled, and inspired, and encouraged differently.”
Dad said, “A mother who only has two pork chops, but has five children, cannot conclude that she has three excess children; she finds away, to take two pork chops and expand them with gravy, rice, cornbread, and peas. Dad said, “A miracle actually occurs.” Because such a meal can feed everyone, dad said, “there’s no such thing as excess kids.”
My mother is really unique in his two-pork chop theory. I observed her on Thanksgiving very carefully, as I often do. Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays around the Jackson table are always very interesting. So, this year, I opted out, and decided to spend Thanksgiving with dad to watch a football game, where mom and Santita were too. Later, the full gathering made its way over to dad. After everyone got comfortable, my mom popped the question, “what are we going to argue about this year?” Santita took the bait! And then, it was on. So, I decided to sit silently and observe the interaction. Then came the prodding, “what you got to say Jesse Junior?” And somehow, we got on the subject of black radio, and for the first time in weeks, Reverend became animated and had a lot to say in that moment about the history of Negroes and radio. Something about his “raising children adequately” must have triggered him in the moment, since I have a radio show, and so does Santita. Yusef, constantly interfaces publicly, and is speaking from the PUSH pulpit, and on the radio, more than ever in his life, while Jonathan, consistently has a microphone in his face as Congressman. And, as for this brood of Jesse and Jackie’s offspring, that leaves my baby sister, little Jackie, who doesn’t want a mic or to be in public life at all – and that’s ok too, because for dad, there’s enough stretch in adequate love, and for mom, she makes special vegetarian meals for her, and for me…50 pounds of chitterlings, of which, my big sister had to have a shareso mama portioned her some out, while I got the pot – that’s mom adding peas, rice and gravy – enough for everybody.
The conclusion: When I was growing up, only dad spoke to the media. Then I was elected to Congress, and I was the only other Jackson speaking to the media. Now everyone has a microphone. I guess they did well with both approaches at work in each of us…over a lifetime.
I say siblings are a perplexing question because the question is difficult to understand and causes confusion or bewilderment. It can be confusing because it is complex, ambiguous, or leaves the asker and the responder uncertain about the correct answer.
I say it’s a complex question because every child in a household may have the same parents, but they do not share the same experiences with their parents, hence, the relationship with each child, with the same parent, is different. We love our parents, not only because they are our parents, but because we each enjoy a different relationship with our parents. It is not a shared relationship, or a shared understanding – it is just different.
To unravel this complex problem, my answer is simple: stop leaning on your own understanding of your parents’ relationships with your siblings, and just appreciate the very special and unique relationship that you enjoy. With hindsight, my father is on the “adequate side of this equation,” my mother “on the equal justice side.” My father believes in the uniqueness of personality, my mother is on the “y’all all my kids…stay in line” side of the equation.
The writer who believed each child with the same parents has a different experience is Judith Rich Harris, a psychologist who argued that a child’s development is influenced more by genetics and peers than by their parents. Her work, particularly the book, No Two Alike: Human Nature and Human Individuality, emphasized that factors other than parental influence play the dominant role in a child’s upbringing and individuality.
* Challenge to traditional views: Harris’s work questioned the “nurture assumption” that parents are the most important factor in a child’s development.
* Role of peers: She proposed that a child’s peer group is more influential than parents in shaping their behavior and personality.
* Influence on individuality: Harris’s theory suggests that even with the same parents, children turn out differently because of the unique and varied influences of their peer groups.
* Indirect parental influence: She argued that the main parental influence is often indirect, such as choosing a neighborhood or school that shapes a child’s peer group.
The author who popularized the theory that “no two children with the same parents have the same experience” is Dr. Gabor Maté. He explains that each child experiences a different version of their parents due to factors like birth order, changing family dynamics, and different emotional climates over time.
* Different life stages: The parent’s emotional state, financial situation, and energy levels change with each child. The first child is raised by parents who are likely more anxious and inexperienced, while subsequent children are raised by parents who may be calmer, more established, or dealing with new challenges.
* Individual personalities: Each child has a unique personality and temperament that elicits different responses from the same parents. A parent’s interaction with a highly sensitive child will be different from their interaction with a more “sturdy” child.
* The recursive nature of development: Maté highlights a recursive relationship where children don’t just react to their parents, but also shape and change their parents in return. The child’s individual characteristics trigger different responses and interactions, which in turn shapes the parent and the family dynamic.
While siblings, in my opinion, spend a lot of time analyzing how a parent treated one child versus the other which develops all kind of stuff, the emphasis at a certain age of developmental relationships has to shift to gratitude, and an appreciation of having had parents or a parent, or someone who loves and cares for you at all. Therein lies the blessing.
While siblings, in my opinion, spend a lot of time analyzing how a parent treated one child versus the other, which develops all kind of stuff, the emphasis at a certain age of developmental relationships, has to shift to gratitude, and an appreciation of having had parents or a parent, or someone who loves and cares for you at all. Therein lies the blessing.
I have long since stopped arguing with my brothers and sisters over the things that make holidays, in just about everyone household, difficult. I recognize: 1) that my relationship and experiences with my parents is my own unique relationship and experience with my parents – perceptions and all; 2) that nurturing leads to thousands of factors; and, that the stimuli that helped shape my personality and make me unique is what I am grateful for because that formation of uniqueness is common to each one of us. Lastly, I find myself most grateful for the imperfect parents that nurtured and guided me through my own imperfections amidst whatever the current stimuli of time required.
Go hug your siblings, express gratitude to God, and to your parents for them, and then when they get on your last nerve…tell them to keep it moving or git-to-gitten.
Former U.S. Representative Jesse Jackson Jr., the eldest son of Reverend Jesse L Jackson, Sr. and Jacqueline Jackson, is currently running for Congressman of the 2nd Congressional District in Illinois
